my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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