just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
we should paint friendship bongs
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