there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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