Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
