Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
