anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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