i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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