I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
