I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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