Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
