Where is the hickey?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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