i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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