Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
