I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize