Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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