I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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