3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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