It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
