mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
