i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize