i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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