he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
