That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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