we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
