you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
