You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
