Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
