I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
