Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
