The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
