so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
