Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
