btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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