Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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