my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize