I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
