Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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