Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
