Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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