dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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