Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
