uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
