Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
