My liver just broke up with me...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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