I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
that's an acceptable place to lick
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
