I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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