i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
