so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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