mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize