remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Porn is love you can see.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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