I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
