he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
