I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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