we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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